You Should...

[rayjwinteraven]

One of the fastest ways to get me to stop listening: "You should do..."


'You should' go read "The Omnivore's Dilemma." 'You should' go rent some movie I haven't seen and don't remember, but it's supposedly 'really great for the kids' (except he thought I was someone else, my kids aren't teens). 'You should' have a "Happiness Project", stated in the same article where the author acknowledges that 'you should' statements don't really allow people to have their own thoughts and feelings!

Now, if I'm asking someone to tell me what I should do, to accomplish a specific goal, they have my full implied permission to say what I should do. I don't mind hearing the phrase from my closest confidants. But average people don't have the depth of understanding to tell me what I should do. Similarly, I don't feel I have the right to tell another what they should do, except for specific situations: after you use a washcloth, you should stretch it out, because it will not dry well all wadded up. Even then, I'm more likely to say "It would be a good idea to..." instead of "You should".

I see nothing wrong with saying "I liked this, and I think you might like it too." "I found this to be very rewarding, and it might be something that you'd find beneficial too." "This resource has a lot to say about this particular subject you mentioned, and it might be useful to you." "Studies show that doing this tends to lead to a particular result." Those give the suggestion, the hope that the advised person will take some time to look into it, without an onus of duty thrown in.

Maybe it's just a side-effect of the flurry of self-esteem training and the drive to respect one another which filled the education system and parenting sites, where we were all taught that "'I' statements," which respectfully convey an individual's feelings and concerns, are so greatly superior to any "'you' statements" which place someone's judgments upon another. Maybe someone else will feel it's too wordy, to shift 'you should' into 'you might like to'. Either way, someone telling me 'you should' will need to overcome an almost-immediate negative response, and may find it takes a lot longer to convey their intent.

Comments

[helianthas.livejournal.com]

You should phrase your suggestion as "If you stretch a washcloth out after you use it, it will dry better." ;)

I realize I use 'should' statements as shortcuts all the time, thanks for the reminder. :)

[sylrayj.livejournal.com]

*hugs* :)

It's a really easy habit, isn't it? And I think that for most people, they aren't trying to tell another how to live their life - just be helpful.

Glad to hear from you, and I hope you're having a blast. :)